Things I'll Never Eat/Drink

1. Blood Balls
2. A half-full bottle of cheap white wine, sitting among cigarette butts and wet toilet paper, behind the bowl in the cubicles of the Mens' Toilets in the Wellington Railway Station
3. $1 dairy pies
4. Cock
5. Tempeh
6. Anything off the floor of the Mens' Toilets in the Wellington Railway Station
7. Anything off the floor of the Mens' Toilets, anywhere
8. Green Fanta
9. etc

Beautiful Celebrities Who Are Actually Ugly:

1. Joan Collins
2. Michael Douglas
3. Paris Hilton
4. Antonio Banderas
5. Cast of Shortland Street
6. NZ supermodels - Kylie Bax, Rachel Hunter - I don't mean to be sexist, or rude - but how do we come up with this trash?
7. etc

On the way to work this morning I see Metro cover story "Aucklanders Go Mad in Queenstown" accompanied by leggy reflective-tan model in skimpy fur getup. Meanwhile, for the three millionth time, Pavement cover has a close-up of freshfaced faintly retro teen actress. Surely with all that flash advertising revenue Auckland magazine publishers can find the time to look further afield than the stultified anal tract of their imagination for story ideas? Is this the print version of Havoc/Holmes-style sweaty narcissism? Why do I care enough to ask?

So now Wellington has been blessed with its very own dedicated U2 'tribute' band, Even Better Than the Real Thing. They can be added to the current list of UK guitar legend covers acts - Salford Lads Club (The Smiths) and Wazzo Clash (The Clash). SLC have the best name and the biggest reputation, but I'm curious to see Wazzo Clash. Not so curious that I'd actually pay, mind. It's just a pity they've got such a sh*t name.

Maybe this is happening all over the world and I just don't know it? The cynic in me can't help feeling like it's all a bit sadsack, themed covers bands. Problem is, the choice of band to cover has to be pretty obvious for the concept to have a wide enough appeal to pull a crowd. I'd be pretty keen to see some less predictable choices...

Some time ago, some Chch friends were talking of doing a Joy Division covers band, called Joy Derision. I don't think it ever happened.

Where will it end? And when will we get a synthpop covers band? They could be called The Numan League. Or maybe, Newer Order.

Just walked to work listening to a few tracks of the new Two Lone Swordsmen album, "From the Double Gone Chapel". Needless to say, it sounds pretty cool.

The big thing is that they're playing instruments on this one - 'eschewing hi-tech' blah de blah. Real drums, real bass, real geetar and, of course, analog synths. Suffice to say, they know what they're doing - Weatherall is Jehovah's gift to music selection, and he put out that "Nine O'Clock Drop" comp way back, so he's well ahead of the retro game.

Don't be fooled by references to this album as 'postpunk' - from what I've heard so far it is pretty standard, rhythm-wise, with none of the "angular riffs" and "sideways funk" you'd expect from anyone imitating Gang of Four, Wire, Slits etc. [NB quote marks here are meant to denote journalistic cliche - not cynicism about the genre - i love postpunk as much as any redblooded overeducated white guy should...]

Anyway, there's some crackers on the album - "Lurch" and "Formica Fuego" stood out first time round (actually I haven't got right through the album yet - it's only a 20 minute walk to work). I couldn't help feeling that the album was lacking a certain spark, though - the playing/production doesn't quite jump out and grab one by the balls like it should. (Without wanting to sound like a complete tosser, I woudl venture to say that it doesn't sound sufficiently 'punchy').

As ever, they do a great line in moody, affecting, slightly dozy instrumentals (e.g. "Driving with my gears in reverse", or "Not the worst I've ever looked, just the most I've ever cared" off Tiny Reminders, or lots of the old Sabres of Paradise stuff), but I reckon it's the electro that works best -like "Sick when we kiss".

At the end of the day, TLS are electronic musicians and relative newcomers to making a band dynamic really work. Nevertheless, they've definitely got more clues on what constitutes tasteful guitar music than Neptunes...

If TLS could get Steve Albini to produce their next record, then things would really start to get interesting.

Meanwhile, the new Soulwax track "This is the excuse" sounds pretty epic (which is good and bad). Great go-go vocal refrain though - "This is the excuse that we're making / Is it good enough for what you're paying". Is it just me or is everything "about" US foreign policy at the moment?